A journey through death and rebirth, pornography addiction and rage
My most recent initiation started a year ago, on a visit to Switzerland to see my family. I hadn’t been there for three years. My partner joined me half way through the trip. We visited the city of Lausanne, nearby where I grew up. It was a sunny day and the view was beautiful by the lake. We took the subway to make our way back home and I noticed two young women wearing tight clothes and short shorts. They seem to be only teenagers and glowing with Maiden energy. I noticed my partner noticing them as well. And then he turned around, and looked again in the most casual way. I had never noticed him checking out women before. My heart started pounding. We entered the subway and I told him what I had noticed. He couldn’t engaged in this conversation so he told me. I tried to keep my cool, centering myself in my breath but my heart was still beating fast. That night, I couldn’t sleep. As he layed in bed next to me, something told me to grab his phone. For the first time, I opened the internet browser’s history and there it was: months worth of compulsive pornographic usage. Until this day, I still give thanks to the heavens that his phone was on airplane mode so that I didn’t expose myself to the actual images for I know that it would have traumatized me even more. I put his phone down. I was in a state of shock. I began to tell him that I couldn’t sleep and that I noticed his change in behaviour: how he didn’t show up for me and how I didn’t want to be with someone like him. This took him by surprise of course, he was still half asleep. And then I told him that I had found out about his porn usage and delivered a monologue about how weak and messed up he was. How he was compensating for not being attractive enough and, again, how there was no way on earth that I could be with someone like him. At some point during this monologue, he placed his hand on my knee in an effort to comfort me, I yanked it off and screamed off the top of my lungs “don’t fucking touch me”. That was the first time I was physically violent with him. It felt good and I thought about it for months afterwards. I wanted to hurt him, physically. I was so enraged and I wanted to let it out somehow. But his equanimity didn’t allow it. He barely said anything and then went out onto the balcony to sit and meditate, all day. I came into the room on multiple occasions. First, with a readiness to confront him again. But my anger eventually soften as I saw him sitting there, for hours and hours, without water or food or sleep in him. Around five o’clock in the afternoon, I finally went to talk to him and asked him to come for dinner with my family. We talked about it more eventually and he promised me that he would stop looking up any kind of sexy images.
It was the first time that I took in the bigger picture of our relationship. How we had come together to heal deep wounds in ourselves and in the collective. How ironic it was for both of us that we manifested our relationship. For me, because we so evidently mirrored my mother and my father in our personality. Although we were very different from them, the core issue that had affected me so much in my childhood, my father’s perversity and his addiction to pornography was there. And for him, the challenge of an abusing female figure that his mother had been in his childhood now manifested in a cold and angry girlfriend with a broken heart. I felt like a victim in this situation of course, but I soon became an abuser.
Many months had passed since, during which I decided to go to India to take some distance from my relationship and to find myself again in the same way that I had in 2014 after completing a yoga teacher training in Rishikesh. It had awakened me to my spiritual path and it completely transformed me for the better. When I returned home then, I felt like myself and was empowered to manifest from my creative impulse and bring community together in this way. This time it was different though. Half of me was running away from the confusion that I felt back home. I had engulfed myself in my relationship and the community where I lived. I felt empowered in a way and stagnant in another. I needed a flame of transformation. A fire puja ceremony. The saffron and kumkum colors of the ongoing rituals and ceremony that is India. I needed the Goddess to touch my heart once again and to show me my mission in life. I need a reminder of the wonders of the world and how I fit in this picture. Inspiration I seeked and inspiration I received. I was graced, blessed and softened. But I returned home with just as confused as when I left because I didn’t know how to integrate my discovery and journey in India into the megapole is the city in which I live. And so I paused. I stopped offering community circles and stopped working altogether. I was waiting for the right moment to act and it took a long time to come. Birthing a new self is a long process that cannot be rushed. I was living in my partner’s one bedroom apartment and didn’t pay rent. My life was on hold. As the moment between an inhalation and exhalation. It is peaceful, like death, nothingness. I waited, sometimes with the frustrating thought of not being enough, not being productive, not being mature enough to have my life organized and going. I felt like a teenager, dependent. Yet, something strong inside of me was telling me to wait some more. It told me to not make any decisions. It told me to trust the process and observe.
One day, I realized that I knew my partner’s password to an online platform and guessed that this password would be the same that he used for his Facebook account. And so I logged onto it for the first time. And here it was again; a compulsive usage of this platform to access sexy pictures, multiple times every single day. My outrage was unprecedented and it launched me into my own cycle of addictive behavior. I began to compulsively checking his account multiple times a day. Trying to figure out when and where he would look at these pictures. One morning, I got up after he sneakily got out of bed without kissing or hugging which was unusual. I walked to the bathroom where I found him watching pornography. I started shaking from the shock. I told him again that I couldn’t be with someone who had this kind of behaviour and he promised me, again, that he would stop. The next day, he subscribed to ‘no fap’, a movement and organization that seeks to help people with porn and sex addiction. The program itself is a three months journey during which no pornographic images, no masturbation and no sex is allowed in hope to rewire one’s neurochemistry and successfully stop all usage of porn and patterns of sexual addiction. I held onto the hope that it would heal our relationship and my heart that was shattered into pieces at this point. I had never felt so broken. My addiction to checking his phone and his computer’s history got out control. I had lost trust in him completely and I began creating stories in my head. Some were stories of things that could have happened in the past while I was with him. For example, I thought of how many times he had touched me thinking of another woman. I thought of how many times he had gone to the washroom to masturbate. I thought of how many women and of his friends he had fantasized about. And I began to feel physically inadequate for the very first time in my life. I realized how my identity and ego had been built upon the solid belief that I was attractive and perhaps the most attractive woman by boyfriends could ever want. In my mind, I had always been enough for my partners and even too good for them. I had a complex of superiority that made me feel in control and act cold towards them at times. This paradigm was broken with the realization that I obviously didn’t satisfy my partner’s sexual needs because he had been seeking this external stimulation for years while we were together. The thought of not being enough, combined with compulsive checking of all of his accounts increased my victim stance and my anger towards him. I was so angry by then. I was angry, not only at him but at the patriarchy that had created this program for women to identify with their body and yet repetitively feel inadequate. I was angry toward the patriarchal culture that created the pornography industry that enslaved women and men to occupy their mind with addictive images and conditioned them to live their sexuality distortedly, repressed, ashamed and disconnected from themselves and each other. I started to have recurring dreams about beating my partner up and developed acne from the excess fire of my out-of-control anger. I began to compare myself physically to every women. I couldn’t open my heart anymore. I couldn’t feel love for my brothers and sisters, let alone for myself. But I still loved my partner. Despite the rage and the many dreams and real moments of hysteria when I did beat him up and destroyed our home, I loved him. And he was doing the only thing that could have made our relationship heal. He was seeking serious help and even started a men’s circle around the topic of addiction to pornography.
I noticed that, during the whole time that my partner and I had been together, I hadn’t been attracted to anyone else. Our sexuality was obviously very different. I started to be very curious about male sexuality and how it is trained and expressed in our culture. It helped me to build compassion for men. It was everywhere after all, images of the innocent Maiden energy. The very image of the Goddess Herself in Her most obvious expression. The female body had been co-opted to sell just about anything and women sold themselves just the same. They gave away their innocence and their beauty in exchange for approval from the patriarchal culture in which they live and masculine sexual standards that dominates it. Men seeked the Goddess’s love through the female body and women seeked to be worship as Goddesses except they didn’t inspire the reverence that one holds for the Goddess since they only expressed the shadow of the Maiden energy and not the full and whole expression of the wise, pure and unconditionally loving Goddess. One that honors Herself and is true to Her heart first and foremost. This was the very core of my work: healing female sexuality to be recentered within itself as opposed to expressed through the patriarchal paradigm and men’s distorted sexuality. I knew this to be possible and I began to tune into this reality knowing for it to be my soul’s purpose in this lifetime.
It was clear to me that I had been going through an initiation journey to reclaiming the feminine identity and power -- one that is rooted in our body, sensuality, sexuality and connection to the Earth. This initiation started many years ago, after seeing a play that portrayed a woman’s miserable life within the patriarchal conditioning. I had come to realize how I had been expressing this shadow of the Maiden myself in seeking validation from men by being overtly sexual and trading my body for cheap in exchange for their approval of me. It was the only kind of empowerment that women knew after all. Either that, or sacrificing their feminine nature to fit a masculine expression of success and achievement which I didn’t need to because I was physically attractive and could attract successful men which could fulfill this ego desire and social expectation. My whole life seemed to be directing me to reclaim my feminine power and manifest from my own feminine creative impulse. Every initiation that I had gone through pushed me towards this direction and slowly melted my ego and patriarchal beliefs.
I moved out of my partner’s apartment into a friend and Tantrika’s home and her partner’s. I had tried to manifest a home in this neighborhood and it had finally happened. I was living there, except, of course, it wasn’t the way that I was hoping for for things always manifest in the most unexpected ways. Here I was, living like a monk in a tiny room, with only my essentials. I grounded myself in my spiritual practice more than ever. I was teaching Tantric Yoga in a studio downtown and I took this practice to the next level. Incorporating elements of shamanic yoga in which I was trained, eco-sexuality which weaves our sexuality with the earth, and purely intuitively guided techniques. I connected deeply with Her, the Goddess, in many ways: through prayers, rituals, visions and psychedelic experiences. Everyday, I connected to Her through my body and welcomed Her serpent medicine of Kundalini energy into me. I let It take over me, make love to me, and then grounded this energy back into the Earth. I began to feel full again as I detached my sexuality from anyone external. I felt asexual and unaroused by any external stimuli but my own internal sexual energy that I began to channel and used for my own healing. I began to live the tantric life and brought this energy wherever I went. With this awakening came the feeling that my partner didn’t match my new self, this new paradigm and frequency on which I was somehow operating now. I began feeling disconnected from him and shared this feeling with him which he reciprocated. We were drifting apart and I had no interest in renewing the flame that once brought us together because I had the feeling that he wouldn’t be able to meet me where I was, and there was no going back of course. He was continuously telling me how painful and difficult his healing journey was. Meanwhile, my concern that we would forever separate grew and I kept complaining to him that I needed a renewal of romance with a good dose of tantric practices and special acts of love and care. But he felt that he couldn’t meet my needs and my frustration grew bigger and bigger. I felt that he didn’t care and love me enough to make any effort for our relationship. He was indeed doing a lot following this pornography addiction healing program, but I knew that it wouldn’t be enough for me. I centered back in my offerings and began to feel inspired again to share my messages to women on how to empower themselves with their sexuality without the need for relationship, especially with men. Now, unsure how to navigate this part of our sexualtiy indeed.
While reflecting about men and observing them, I had come to shape an ideal of how a balanced and healthy masculine would look and feel like. One that, not only protected and understood the feminine but also nourished it and loved it the way it was meant to be loved -- with pure awareness, focus and dedication, with presence and warrior like qualities of discipline and morals. I had a glimpses of this Masculine Archetype in its fullness through some of my friends and in movies. I tuned into it in my meditations and prayers. He started to become alive within me. And I cultivated trust in Him and love for Him. And so, I manifested Him.
He came to me out of nowhere -- within my community and my field of awareness yet I had never met him before. Clear, detached Shiva energy. I saw him and recognized his qualities, his presence, his focus, his clarity of mind. We briefly cuddled with a friend as we do in our community and then he disappeared. I didn’t think much about it but my heart felt him. I felt him the next day and felt his presence with me. The next time I saw him was at a festival. I sat behind him to meditate. He eventually turned around to connect: eye to eye, heart to heart. It was the quality of connection that I had been longing for. We danced, we laughed, we talked little and felt a lot. Channelling energies in our state of presence and altered awareness. I left him fully alive that night, feeling whole and filled, grounded in my heart. Yet this fulfillment didn’t seem to come from him. I was myself and it was enough. For the first time in a while, I was able to smile and shine upon all around me without seeking for anything, but giving back instead. I blessed the world with many prayers that night. Prayers for more moments like this. Prayers for all to find love within. I had been rebirthed and I was enough. As I launched on this path of new possibilities of expansion, I became curious about exploring more. About a month after this experience, I chose our second encounter and visited him alone on a land; my heart opened and without any expectation. Yet, as soon as I saw him again this time, I felt him more than ever. I saw our Souls and paths crossing and their respective medicine. His reflection of me was intense and meaningful. I felt transported into an altered state of consciousness once again as we connected on the land. It was pure presence and aliveness. We breathed and danced together. Our souls intermingling and rejoicing. In these moments when we connected, my inner patterns and conditioning seem to have melted away and I was free. I allowed myself to feel fully and be alive, channelling more energy than I had ever felt before. My whole body had been resensitized with months of celibacy and rewired to channel much energy thanks to tantric practices. Now was the time for initiation. And it happened. A meant-to-beness that words cannot describe. The universe showed me the reasons for my very existence. I was reassured of my path and my belonging to a lineage of Priestesses and Tantrikas meant to do this work; channeling sexual energy, deconditioning, remembering, feeling, innocence, freedom, soft heart. I incarned the Goddess in these moments and was deeply humbled by my connection to Her. She was always guiding me. In the most fierce and hard ways, She was always teaching me. My willingness to listen had allowed me to feel and hear Her. Now, Her massage was clearer than ever. I saw Her in a vision and She told me to embrace all aspects of female sexuality. She said that this was the way for my heart to fully open. And so I had to go back to the city and ground all of this knowledge. The first step was realizing that this beautiful man wasn’t the source of my awakening. I cleared any attachment to him for I knew that these were merely products of the patriarchal conditioning that teaches women to seek a man to fulfill themselves. The second step was to tell my partner about what had happened and accept the consequences of my actions. I had betrayed him. Despite my full awareness in our moments of connection, I had given in to kiss this man and knew that this was too much for our Souls had now weaved in too tight to relate to him only as a Tantric practice partner. Although I cleared my attachments to him, this action was inacceptable for my partner and he asked me to leave our house the night before we were meant to go on a two weeks holiday together. I was hoping was that this holiday would be a time for us to process our transformation and renew our connection.
Now I am left alone. The way I wanted to be. In my aloneness, I feel the support and power of the multitude of women who are opening to do this work. I feel the power of all of the women that I know and all who relate to this journey. I feel the birth of a new era that sees our masculine energy reciprocating the openness, the love and freedom of the feminine. I see them healing each other, making love and coming apart again in a Tantric Dance of Shiva and Shakti. Who knows what this paradigm will look like? For you can manifest what you want but you never know how and when and where. As I continue to pray and manifest from my heart, I feel the softening of my ego and the energy of Love for my own internal feminine and masculine. It is empowering me to show up and manifest from my heart center. It is empowering me to create from Love, not from fear. I don’t know where this awakening shall take me. I have no idea who will gather around this frequency. I only know that it is real and it is true. A feeling of balance and harmony. I feel whole and loved. An unconditional love for all. A willingness to give from my own beingness. To burn in the fire of creation, death and transformation. Over and over again. And becoming “sacred bread for God’s sacred feast” as Kahlil Gibran describes in the Prophet.
One thing that I realized through this journey is that there is no safety in life. We cannot protect ourselves from dying. We cannot know and control. And so the safest path is one of surrendering. What to surrender to? To love of course. For love is life, it is death, it is truth and it is the only thing worth knowing. Allow yourself to be melted by your own love for the world. Allow yourself to cry of gratitude for being alive and for having the chance to bleed. For you are alive and this aliveness comes with immensity. At times expressed through your beloved. At time manifested through Mother Earth, Father Sky and the genuine expression of Human Connection.
As I heart-openly share my story, I pray that it inspires others to do the same and to gather around feelings of Love and authenticity. We are not perfect by any means and cycles of initiation through descent are inevitable. However, by following our heart, our intuition and our calling, by remembering how to feel and to trust, we can once again honor the Divine and catch the current wave of awakening that is urging us to heal our hearts and reconnect with our most powerful energy that is our sexual energy and creative energy. From there on, I trust that miracles will happen for they have happened to me.
Here is a place for me to share some of my downloads, realisations, insights, lessons and experiences - all filled with deep spiritual teachings. I hope some of this will resonate with you.
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