A journey through death and rebirth, pornography addiction and rage
My most recent initiation started a year ago, on a visit to Switzerland to see my family. I hadn’t been there for three years. My partner joined me half way through the trip. We visited the city of Lausanne, nearby where I grew up. It was a sunny day and the view was beautiful by the lake. We took the subway to make our way back home and I noticed two young women wearing tight clothes and short shorts. They seem to be only teenagers and glowing with Maiden energy. I noticed my partner noticing them as well. And then he turned around, and looked again in the most casual way. I had never noticed him checking out women before. My heart started pounding. We entered the subway and I told him what I had noticed. He couldn’t engaged in this conversation so he told me. I tried to keep my cool, centering myself in my breath but my heart was still beating fast. That night, I couldn’t sleep. As he layed in bed next to me, something told me to grab his phone. For the first time, I opened the internet browser’s history and there it was: months worth of compulsive pornographic usage. Until this day, I still give thanks to the heavens that his phone was on airplane mode so that I didn’t expose myself to the actual images for I know that it would have traumatized me even more. I put his phone down. I was in a state of shock. I began to tell him that I couldn’t sleep and that I noticed his change in behaviour: how he didn’t show up for me and how I didn’t want to be with someone like him. This took him by surprise of course, he was still half asleep. And then I told him that I had found out about his porn usage and delivered a monologue about how weak and messed up he was. How he was compensating for not being attractive enough and, again, how there was no way on earth that I could be with someone like him. At some point during this monologue, he placed his hand on my knee in an effort to comfort me, I yanked it off and screamed off the top of my lungs “don’t fucking touch me”. That was the first time I was physically violent with him. It felt good and I thought about it for months afterwards. I wanted to hurt him, physically. I was so enraged and I wanted to let it out somehow. But his equanimity didn’t allow it. He barely said anything and then went out onto the balcony to sit and meditate, all day. I came into the room on multiple occasions. First, with a readiness to confront him again. But my anger eventually soften as I saw him sitting there, for hours and hours, without water or food or sleep in him. Around five o’clock in the afternoon, I finally went to talk to him and asked him to come for dinner with my family. We talked about it more eventually and he promised me that he would stop looking up any kind of sexy images.
It was the first time that I took in the bigger picture of our relationship. How we had come together to heal deep wounds in ourselves and in the collective. How ironic it was for both of us that we manifested our relationship. For me, because we so evidently mirrored my mother and my father in our personality. Although we were very different from them, the core issue that had affected me so much in my childhood, my father’s perversity and his addiction to pornography was there. And for him, the challenge of an abusing female figure that his mother had been in his childhood now manifested in a cold and angry girlfriend with a broken heart. I felt like a victim in this situation of course, but I soon became an abuser.
Many months had passed since, during which I decided to go to India to take some distance from my relationship and to find myself again in the same way that I had in 2014 after completing a yoga teacher training in Rishikesh. It had awakened me to my spiritual path and it completely transformed me for the better. When I returned home then, I felt like myself and was empowered to manifest from my creative impulse and bring community together in this way. This time it was different though. Half of me was running away from the confusion that I felt back home. I had engulfed myself in my relationship and the community where I lived. I felt empowered in a way and stagnant in another. I needed a flame of transformation. A fire puja ceremony. The saffron and kumkum colors of the ongoing rituals and ceremony that is India. I needed the Goddess to touch my heart once again and to show me my mission in life. I need a reminder of the wonders of the world and how I fit in this picture. Inspiration I seeked and inspiration I received. I was graced, blessed and softened. But I returned home with just as confused as when I left because I didn’t know how to integrate my discovery and journey in India into the megapole is the city in which I live. And so I paused. I stopped offering community circles and stopped working altogether. I was waiting for the right moment to act and it took a long time to come. Birthing a new self is a long process that cannot be rushed. I was living in my partner’s one bedroom apartment and didn’t pay rent. My life was on hold. As the moment between an inhalation and exhalation. It is peaceful, like death, nothingness. I waited, sometimes with the frustrating thought of not being enough, not being productive, not being mature enough to have my life organized and going. I felt like a teenager, dependent. Yet, something strong inside of me was telling me to wait some more. It told me to not make any decisions. It told me to trust the process and observe.
One day, I realized that I knew my partner’s password to an online platform and guessed that this password would be the same that he used for his Facebook account. And so I logged onto it for the first time. And here it was again; a compulsive usage of this platform to access sexy pictures, multiple times every single day. My outrage was unprecedented and it launched me into my own cycle of addictive behavior. I began to compulsively checking his account multiple times a day. Trying to figure out when and where he would look at these pictures. One morning, I got up after he sneakily got out of bed without kissing or hugging which was unusual. I walked to the bathroom where I found him watching pornography. I started shaking from the shock. I told him again that I couldn’t be with someone who had this kind of behaviour and he promised me, again, that he would stop. The next day, he subscribed to ‘no fap’, a movement and organization that seeks to help people with porn and sex addiction. The program itself is a three months journey during which no pornographic images, no masturbation and no sex is allowed in hope to rewire one’s neurochemistry and successfully stop all usage of porn and patterns of sexual addiction. I held onto the hope that it would heal our relationship and my heart that was shattered into pieces at this point. I had never felt so broken. My addiction to checking his phone and his computer’s history got out control. I had lost trust in him completely and I began creating stories in my head. Some were stories of things that could have happened in the past while I was with him. For example, I thought of how many times he had touched me thinking of another woman. I thought of how many times he had gone to the washroom to masturbate. I thought of how many women and of his friends he had fantasized about. And I began to feel physically inadequate for the very first time in my life. I realized how my identity and ego had been built upon the solid belief that I was attractive and perhaps the most attractive woman by boyfriends could ever want. In my mind, I had always been enough for my partners and even too good for them. I had a complex of superiority that made me feel in control and act cold towards them at times. This paradigm was broken with the realization that I obviously didn’t satisfy my partner’s sexual needs because he had been seeking this external stimulation for years while we were together. The thought of not being enough, combined with compulsive checking of all of his accounts increased my victim stance and my anger towards him. I was so angry by then. I was angry, not only at him but at the patriarchy that had created this program for women to identify with their body and yet repetitively feel inadequate. I was angry toward the patriarchal culture that created the pornography industry that enslaved women and men to occupy their mind with addictive images and conditioned them to live their sexuality distortedly, repressed, ashamed and disconnected from themselves and each other. I started to have recurring dreams about beating my partner up and developed acne from the excess fire of my out-of-control anger. I began to compare myself physically to every women. I couldn’t open my heart anymore. I couldn’t feel love for my brothers and sisters, let alone for myself. But I still loved my partner. Despite the rage and the many dreams and real moments of hysteria when I did beat him up and destroyed our home, I loved him. And he was doing the only thing that could have made our relationship heal. He was seeking serious help and even started a men’s circle around the topic of addiction to pornography.
I noticed that, during the whole time that my partner and I had been together, I hadn’t been attracted to anyone else. Our sexuality was obviously very different. I started to be very curious about male sexuality and how it is trained and expressed in our culture. It helped me to build compassion for men. It was everywhere after all, images of the innocent Maiden energy. The very image of the Goddess Herself in Her most obvious expression. The female body had been co-opted to sell just about anything and women sold themselves just the same. They gave away their innocence and their beauty in exchange for approval from the patriarchal culture in which they live and masculine sexual standards that dominates it. Men seeked the Goddess’s love through the female body and women seeked to be worship as Goddesses except they didn’t inspire the reverence that one holds for the Goddess since they only expressed the shadow of the Maiden energy and not the full and whole expression of the wise, pure and unconditionally loving Goddess. One that honors Herself and is true to Her heart first and foremost. This was the very core of my work: healing female sexuality to be recentered within itself as opposed to expressed through the patriarchal paradigm and men’s distorted sexuality. I knew this to be possible and I began to tune into this reality knowing for it to be my soul’s purpose in this lifetime.
It was clear to me that I had been going through an initiation journey to reclaiming the feminine identity and power -- one that is rooted in our body, sensuality, sexuality and connection to the Earth. This initiation started many years ago, after seeing a play that portrayed a woman’s miserable life within the patriarchal conditioning. I had come to realize how I had been expressing this shadow of the Maiden myself in seeking validation from men by being overtly sexual and trading my body for cheap in exchange for their approval of me. It was the only kind of empowerment that women knew after all. Either that, or sacrificing their feminine nature to fit a masculine expression of success and achievement which I didn’t need to because I was physically attractive and could attract successful men which could fulfill this ego desire and social expectation. My whole life seemed to be directing me to reclaim my feminine power and manifest from my own feminine creative impulse. Every initiation that I had gone through pushed me towards this direction and slowly melted my ego and patriarchal beliefs.
I moved out of my partner’s apartment into a friend and Tantrika’s home and her partner’s. I had tried to manifest a home in this neighborhood and it had finally happened. I was living there, except, of course, it wasn’t the way that I was hoping for for things always manifest in the most unexpected ways. Here I was, living like a monk in a tiny room, with only my essentials. I grounded myself in my spiritual practice more than ever. I was teaching Tantric Yoga in a studio downtown and I took this practice to the next level. Incorporating elements of shamanic yoga in which I was trained, eco-sexuality which weaves our sexuality with the earth, and purely intuitively guided techniques. I connected deeply with Her, the Goddess, in many ways: through prayers, rituals, visions and psychedelic experiences. Everyday, I connected to Her through my body and welcomed Her serpent medicine of Kundalini energy into me. I let It take over me, make love to me, and then grounded this energy back into the Earth. I began to feel full again as I detached my sexuality from anyone external. I felt asexual and unaroused by any external stimuli but my own internal sexual energy that I began to channel and used for my own healing. I began to live the tantric life and brought this energy wherever I went. With this awakening came the feeling that my partner didn’t match my new self, this new paradigm and frequency on which I was somehow operating now. I began feeling disconnected from him and shared this feeling with him which he reciprocated. We were drifting apart and I had no interest in renewing the flame that once brought us together because I had the feeling that he wouldn’t be able to meet me where I was, and there was no going back of course. He was continuously telling me how painful and difficult his healing journey was. Meanwhile, my concern that we would forever separate grew and I kept complaining to him that I needed a renewal of romance with a good dose of tantric practices and special acts of love and care. But he felt that he couldn’t meet my needs and my frustration grew bigger and bigger. I felt that he didn’t care and love me enough to make any effort for our relationship. He was indeed doing a lot following this pornography addiction healing program, but I knew that it wouldn’t be enough for me. I centered back in my offerings and began to feel inspired again to share my messages to women on how to empower themselves with their sexuality without the need for relationship, especially with men. Now, unsure how to navigate this part of our sexualtiy indeed.
While reflecting about men and observing them, I had come to shape an ideal of how a balanced and healthy masculine would look and feel like. One that, not only protected and understood the feminine but also nourished it and loved it the way it was meant to be loved -- with pure awareness, focus and dedication, with presence and warrior like qualities of discipline and morals. I had a glimpses of this Masculine Archetype in its fullness through some of my friends and in movies. I tuned into it in my meditations and prayers. He started to become alive within me. And I cultivated trust in Him and love for Him. And so, I manifested Him.
He came to me out of nowhere -- within my community and my field of awareness yet I had never met him before. Clear, detached Shiva energy. I saw him and recognized his qualities, his presence, his focus, his clarity of mind. We briefly cuddled with a friend as we do in our community and then he disappeared. I didn’t think much about it but my heart felt him. I felt him the next day and felt his presence with me. The next time I saw him was at a festival. I sat behind him to meditate. He eventually turned around to connect: eye to eye, heart to heart. It was the quality of connection that I had been longing for. We danced, we laughed, we talked little and felt a lot. Channelling energies in our state of presence and altered awareness. I left him fully alive that night, feeling whole and filled, grounded in my heart. Yet this fulfillment didn’t seem to come from him. I was myself and it was enough. For the first time in a while, I was able to smile and shine upon all around me without seeking for anything, but giving back instead. I blessed the world with many prayers that night. Prayers for more moments like this. Prayers for all to find love within. I had been rebirthed and I was enough. As I launched on this path of new possibilities of expansion, I became curious about exploring more. About a month after this experience, I chose our second encounter and visited him alone on a land; my heart opened and without any expectation. Yet, as soon as I saw him again this time, I felt him more than ever. I saw our Souls and paths crossing and their respective medicine. His reflection of me was intense and meaningful. I felt transported into an altered state of consciousness once again as we connected on the land. It was pure presence and aliveness. We breathed and danced together. Our souls intermingling and rejoicing. In these moments when we connected, my inner patterns and conditioning seem to have melted away and I was free. I allowed myself to feel fully and be alive, channelling more energy than I had ever felt before. My whole body had been resensitized with months of celibacy and rewired to channel much energy thanks to tantric practices. Now was the time for initiation. And it happened. A meant-to-beness that words cannot describe. The universe showed me the reasons for my very existence. I was reassured of my path and my belonging to a lineage of Priestesses and Tantrikas meant to do this work; channeling sexual energy, deconditioning, remembering, feeling, innocence, freedom, soft heart. I incarned the Goddess in these moments and was deeply humbled by my connection to Her. She was always guiding me. In the most fierce and hard ways, She was always teaching me. My willingness to listen had allowed me to feel and hear Her. Now, Her massage was clearer than ever. I saw Her in a vision and She told me to embrace all aspects of female sexuality. She said that this was the way for my heart to fully open. And so I had to go back to the city and ground all of this knowledge. The first step was realizing that this beautiful man wasn’t the source of my awakening. I cleared any attachment to him for I knew that these were merely products of the patriarchal conditioning that teaches women to seek a man to fulfill themselves. The second step was to tell my partner about what had happened and accept the consequences of my actions. I had betrayed him. Despite my full awareness in our moments of connection, I had given in to kiss this man and knew that this was too much for our Souls had now weaved in too tight to relate to him only as a Tantric practice partner. Although I cleared my attachments to him, this action was inacceptable for my partner and he asked me to leave our house the night before we were meant to go on a two weeks holiday together. I was hoping was that this holiday would be a time for us to process our transformation and renew our connection.
Now I am left alone. The way I wanted to be. In my aloneness, I feel the support and power of the multitude of women who are opening to do this work. I feel the power of all of the women that I know and all who relate to this journey. I feel the birth of a new era that sees our masculine energy reciprocating the openness, the love and freedom of the feminine. I see them healing each other, making love and coming apart again in a Tantric Dance of Shiva and Shakti. Who knows what this paradigm will look like? For you can manifest what you want but you never know how and when and where. As I continue to pray and manifest from my heart, I feel the softening of my ego and the energy of Love for my own internal feminine and masculine. It is empowering me to show up and manifest from my heart center. It is empowering me to create from Love, not from fear. I don’t know where this awakening shall take me. I have no idea who will gather around this frequency. I only know that it is real and it is true. A feeling of balance and harmony. I feel whole and loved. An unconditional love for all. A willingness to give from my own beingness. To burn in the fire of creation, death and transformation. Over and over again. And becoming “sacred bread for God’s sacred feast” as Kahlil Gibran describes in the Prophet.
One thing that I realized through this journey is that there is no safety in life. We cannot protect ourselves from dying. We cannot know and control. And so the safest path is one of surrendering. What to surrender to? To love of course. For love is life, it is death, it is truth and it is the only thing worth knowing. Allow yourself to be melted by your own love for the world. Allow yourself to cry of gratitude for being alive and for having the chance to bleed. For you are alive and this aliveness comes with immensity. At times expressed through your beloved. At time manifested through Mother Earth, Father Sky and the genuine expression of Human Connection.
As I heart-openly share my story, I pray that it inspires others to do the same and to gather around feelings of Love and authenticity. We are not perfect by any means and cycles of initiation through descent are inevitable. However, by following our heart, our intuition and our calling, by remembering how to feel and to trust, we can once again honor the Divine and catch the current wave of awakening that is urging us to heal our hearts and reconnect with our most powerful energy that is our sexual energy and creative energy. From there on, I trust that miracles will happen for they have happened to me.
They are many reasons why honoring the Goddess might be the most needed and fruitful spiritual path, especially in the Western world and especially at our time in history. First and foremost, what is honoring? A concept that might seem vague and dogmatic for our individualistic minds. Honoring means acknowledging, paying attention to. When we do that, we send energy to that which we are noticing with our awareness: “energy flows, where attention goes”. But it’s also more than that. Honoring meaning to look upon with reverence. That is the part that gets trickier for our minds. Although we can understand this concept intellectually, reverence is something that we practice and feel as oppose to say or think. How does one feel a sense of reverence? This isn’t a given. It is an experience that happens to us as an overwhelming sense of admiration and awe. This experience ultimately makes us feel more humble. Honoring and reverence is about humility. One needs to feel humble in this moment. Again, this isn’t something that we can force ourselves into. However, we can practice honoring others, honoring our food, honoring the water, nature. It does take time. Time is actually key here. To honor something or someone, we need to pause. Our Ego mind fights this process. One, because the humility is directly working against the Ego (unless one shows off a false sense of honoring, in this case, check yourself and do it when you are alone and do not tell anyone in order to cultivate this practice for yourself). Two, because our culture has built much judgment about people who worship and do woo-woo things with their food. The mainstream scientism sees it as cultish and weak, something that only the ones who are easily manipulated do. Well, the truth is that we are always manipulated or influenced. Whether it is by the movies that we watch, the advertisement, our friends’ opinion, etc. When someone decides to take on the devotional path and starts to consciously worshipping and honoring (not from membership to a cult or a religion but because it comes naturally to them), this person is going against the social norm and is reclaiming their social programming to engage in an activity that they feel is right for them. Honoring is, therefore, going against the norms, reclaiming power over our programmed mind and working to lessen our Ego self. It is spiritual social activism and personal empowerment.
Now, what is the Goddess? The Goddess is the representation of the Divine Feminine energy. According to many spiritual bodies, including Tantra, everything is made of Feminine and Masculine energies. You can think of them as primordial forces of creation. It is easy to see how we all came from a woman and a man coming together in a sexual union. Well, think of it on the micro and macro level as well: “as above, so below”. The Goddess is therefore this Feminine force of creation, called Shakti in Sanskrit. It is the energy that animates and gives life while the masculine is the force through which Shakti manifests itself. I like to think of the masculine as the container and the feminine as the life force energy that animates this container to give it life. This isn’t quite exact at the Masculine is actually better understood as Consciousness. Also, everything has both, consciousness and energy -- respectively, Masculine and Feminine. But let’s not get caught in some philosophical intricacies here. Why should we worship or honor the force or creation (the Feminine) as opposed to consciousness (the Masculine)? Well, because the Masculine has been, for over 3 millennia, put on a pedestal over the Feminine. In almost all of the institutionalized religions of the world, we have seen the Masculine, often represented as a male deity, worshiped over the Feminine. Moreover, masculine qualities and approaches to spirituality and life were valued to the detriment of Feminine qualities and approaches. The goal oriented, transcending, light focused, hierarchical approach to living and achieving, for example, were encouraged by the capitalistic and individualistic aspects of our society and culture. On the other hand, the patient, compassionate, emotional, body focused and sexuality empowered path to spirituality and life style have been devalued and repressed. As a result, we are suffering from the shadow expression of this Feminine potential inside of us and inherent within nature. To compensate from this lack of Feminine worship in our culture and psyche, many men and women now suffer from pornography addiction; the female body being the most obvious connection to the Goddess. The planet is suffering from this lack of consideration for the Feminine. Other human beings, animals, plants, insects are all suffering from it. We have seen emotions being shamed, many men being emotionally inept, many women being called crazy for their emotions and not knowing how to express them and see them as valuable for their life and spiritual path. We have seen for a long time, the spiritual path being spent in monasteries, up in the mountain and cut off from society and modern life issues. The Feminine path urges us now, to descend from our mountain tops and come out of the monasteries to practice a spirituality rooted in our relationships, in our bodies, in our emotions, in the darkest expressions of our personality and in the Earth.
I believe Tantra is coming back to us human, and strongly in the West, at this level of our evolution because it offers a Feminine path to spirituality and as a lifestyle. While Classical Tantra evolved to worshiping the Goddess in it’s abstract form through deities and worship rituals, Neo-tantra offers the most direct path to deconditioning the mind from its limited beliefs and feminine practices to connecting to this Feminine path such as dynamic, sexual and sensual meditation with or without a partner. Both neo-Tantra and Classical Tantra are needed to practice and understand the Feminine spiritual path. One, in honoring the mystical and spiritual realm and worshiping the Goddess within everyone and everything; in the form of a deity, nature or a person or everyone and everything. Two, in becoming more connected to our bodies and our nature as human being, including our sexuality.
To be clear, I don’t believe that Tantra is focused on the Feminine. Tantra, like Yoga, means union and weaving of the lower self (the Ego) with the Higher Self (the Divine). It includes both aspect of our nature, the divine and the profane, and aims to see at the human experience in a whole and undivided way. Why make such strong distinction between the Feminine and the Masculine when both are needed and one does not exist without the other? I believe that this process or distinguishing and clarifying between the Feminine and Masculine is needed now in our consciousness. Think of it as Alchemy: you discern what is what, you distill what is needed from what isn’t and you obtain seemingly separate substance before combining them together again, in a conscious way, in order to obtain a form that is greater in value from what it was in the beginning. This is where we are now. The gender rhetoric has blurred our understanding of the Feminine and the Masculine qualities. Everyone is everything is suffering from the imbalance between both energies on the planet and we are, almost all of us, reproducing and, therefore, perpetuating this imbalance in our behaviors, thoughts and speech. The one way to start restoring the imbalance is to become aware of it and then, start cultivating these rebellious practices to help restore the balance -- honoring the Feminine is one of them. Tantra doesn’t focus on the Feminine. Tantra is a wave of consciousness that shines light wherever the shadow is. Right now, the shadow is upon the Feminine. Its expression is lacking while the Masculine is also in its shadow from being in excess. To restore the balance, the Feminine needs to come into power first because it will help to direct and rebalance the Masculine force. The Masculine is meant to protect and serve the Feminine force. By pointing to the ways that the Feminine is repressed and left unexpressed in ourselves and in our cultures, our Masculine qualities that allow us to take actions and flight for what we hold dear will be awaken again and follow the transformation, the lead of the Feminine. Truthfully, we won’t have the choice to do so. Masculine and Feminine work in tandem, therefore, one cannot change without the other changing and becoming a vibrational match to the other.
So how does one assists in this rebalance that is taking place on the collective by taking on a Feminine approach to spirituality in honoring the Goddess and the Feminine qualities of life? Take a moment everyday to honor life. Give thanks for your food, for the Earth and all of the elements. Honor your own body in all of its expression. Have compassion for yourself and others for everyone is on a spiritual path. See the female body as the expression of the Goddess and honor the beauty of the Goddess by finding healthy ways to worship the female body. See the male body as an expression of the Goddess and find healthy ways to worship the male body. See your sexuality as sacred and therefore worth spending time connecting to in a way that is healthy and serves your own spiritual growth as opposed to your Ego and immediate gratification. To honor, send our prayers of blessings, bless everything you consume and everything that your wear. See all as relevant and connected to the sacred, to the Divine. All informs your energetic body and spiritual presence on Earth. At last, train yourself to surrender more. Surrender to the sense of gravity by relaxing completely, surrender to your own feelings and emotions by finding means to express in a healthy way (art, conscious communication, movement). Surrender to your Path and know that you are guided on your Spiritual journey. Life doesn’t happen by chance. And then, trust that the Masculine will rise within you -- within everyone and everything -- to protect this inner balance and alchemy of Life. We are not perfect. Not one is and I certainly am not. By becoming more conscious of our experience and inner process, by sharing our lessons with others, we help this world become a better space. We hope that future Generations will benefit from a better understanding of how to honor all aspect of creation and themselves in the process. At last, open yourself to see how you are perpetuating the current imbalance of our consciousness by devaluing the Feminine within yourself and through others and take actions to change that. Everyone has the power to affect the collective state of consciousness. You are doing it right now with your thoughts and reaction to this article. Instead of thinking about it, send a prayer now and feel the effect in your heart. The Feminine is a Flower forever unfolding. Here is a prayer for you:
“I embody the Goddess. In all my grace and beauty. She unravels Herself inside of me. She teaches me to think and to be more kindly. I listen. I listen to others and my Self. I open my heart to the Divine nectar of Her union with the Father and Masculine. My Soul is nourished by their Bliss. I surrender to my whole Being. I surrender to Nature and Life. I give thanks for this moment and I bless all and everything with this prayer. And so it is.”
Thank you for reading. Know that everytime your bless the Goddess, she blesses you back with Her energy.
I honor the Light and the Darkness within you.
With this article I am hoping to foster an understand of the existence of a 5th wave of Feminism: a spiritual and energetic movement that goes beyond genders. A movement toward Unity and Harmony that truly empowers the Feminine within us all <3
Our world is in a state of imbalance: the Masculine is dominating over the Feminine that is lacking. As a result, men and women both are disconnected from their Feminine powers. Indeed, we are all victims of this imbalance that is present in our psyche, culture and collective vibration. We all have internalized (at least partially) this dominance of the Masculine. What this means is that Masculine traits are valued to the detriment of Feminine qualities. For example: doing vs. being, controlling vs. surrendering, sensitivity vs. physical strength. We need both energies of course. Both are valuable and our very survival depends on our ability to channel them.
I am writing this article to bring clarity around this dynamics. The imbalance isn’t to be understood as a battle between the genders; it is an imbalanced due to an excessive Masculine energy and a lack of Feminine energy. I have been on a journey to understanding what is the Feminine and what is the Masculine. I have done much research through Tantra and Feminine and Masculine Archetypal psychology but mostly by observing our society, our culture, our psyche, people’s behaviours, their trauma, their pain, their shadow, etc. At last, I have been receiving much psychic guidance around the Feminine and Masculine energies in our collective and I believe that it is part of my service to the world to bring clarity around this topic. This journey led me to understand many societal, political and cultural issues that we are facing today as an imbalance of the Feminine and Masculine energies rather than a conscious dominance and control by an elite of men who created patriarchal rules, beliefs, values, psychic and energetic patterns to dominate women. The current ill of our society is then not an issue between genders, but an energetic imbalance of the Feminine and Masculine that oppresses all and everyone. This was a huge realization for me as a feminist and Women’s empowerment leader; although it seems obvious to me now.
And, perhaps, as you read this, it might seem obvious to you as well. It is simple! Our intuition, inner knowing agrees. So why is our culture and the mainstream dialogue still obsessed with genders? Well, to understand that, we need to understand that the Masculine (the dominant energy in our psyche, culture and collective frequency) is limited to understand reality on the material level (e.i. genders). Without an understanding of subtle energies (the realm of the Feminine, the energetic, mystical, the unseen -- therefore, hard to scientifically prove, especially with our current technology) one cannot comprehend the fullness of our experience and our potential as human beings.
Furthermore, as our culture values Masculine qualities over Feminine qualities, it naturally defines strength and power accordingly: physical strength, ability to control and influence, to protect and win over. Many women who are as much influenced by this rhetoric as men, buy into this definition of strength as well. Feminist around the world (men and women) acclaim the coming into power of female politicians, athletes, “strong female roles” and “female empowerment stories” in the media. But these do NOT represent what Feminine strength is about. Instead, they embrace a Masculine view of strength and applies it to women leaders and other models to manipulate our collective understanding of the Feminine power. The Feminine is very powerful indeed. Its power in fact radically challenges the current mainstream and patriarchal paradigm. As a result many, many means -- especially cultural -- are meant to draw our attention away from what it is and are meant to DISTRACT US from finding and exercising Its power. Hold on to your device because I’m about to tell you what it is:
1) The Feminine is our ability to be emotionally aware
To observe our emotions and understand them, label them without identifying with them. This is called ‘shadow work’ and it is immensely healing. The Feminine initiates us into experiencing pain and sensations in general in our body (the example of this phenomenon into physical manifestation through the Female body being menstrual pain and childbirth). When we are able to do this, we stop reacting to situations when they bring up emotions (a shadow side of the emotional realm due to a lack of emotional awareness), instead, we are able to respond to situations.
2) The Feminine is our ability to tap into our subconscious
The conscious mind is the Masculine, the one we are aware of (like the material reality), the obvious, the one we can control. The subconscious is the Feminine, the symbolic, the mystical, the subliminal. Someone with the ability to tap into their subconscious mind to reprogram themselves has this Feminine power. E.g. hypnotists need to relax (Feminine state) the body to access the subconscious and reprogram it. Other ways to tap into our subconscious is by dream analysis, meditation, visualization, creative imagination and accessing altered state of consciousness (e.g. through psychedelics, orgasmic state).
3) The Feminine is the Power of the Heart
Love, Compassion and Unity. The Feminine is inherently inclusive, it is the whole, the all encompassing, the relational. In Tantra, women’s positive pole is their heart center. This is where they send energy from. To feed a child, women use their breasts. This is where the power of the Feminine lays: the heart. This nurturing power is able to melt any tension in our body (oxytocin, hugs, orgasm) and can heal any “evil” on the planet (darkness is due to lack of Love frequency).
4) The Feminine is our Sensual & Sexual Power
Our sexual energy is our most precious energy. It is our prana, our life force energy. Conventional sex is Masculine in a way that it is goal oriented towards orgasm. Couples use each other to relax through a process that uses much friction and creates tension in the body. Tantra is a Feminine form of love making. It is relaxed, embodied, uses subtle energies to create orgasmic states. It is about the journey of presence and embodiment that brings natural pleasure. The reason why many people (especially men) are addicted to pornography is to compensate from their lack of Feminine energy. They consume the Feminine through pornography (the female body, the sensual) instead of finding it and cultivating it within. Someone in touch with their sensual and sexual power would be able to channel their sexual energy for healing and creativity.
5) The Feminine is our appreciation for beauty
When we are empowered in our Feminine, we are able to see beauty everywhere. We become resensitized to beauty as opposed to tapping into our mind-conditioned way in which beauty is defined by the media. Once someone is resensitized to beauty, they can’t help but seeing it in themselves as well. If this Feminine quality was fully active in our psyche, we would not need cosmetics!
6) The Feminine is our intuition
Our ability to tap into our intuition, psychic guidance, our sense of inner knowing. Some people experience it as visions, messages, dreams, feelings, etc. I personally find that the most useful way to explain how to follow your intuition is by telling someone to focus on their heart center and practice describing how they feel. At first, this might be difficult. Someone might not even know what to look for -- look for sensations. Sometimes, we feel our chest congested, tense, closed-off. This is when we might be stressed, anxious. Sometimes we pick-up on other people’s state. Sometimes this is your heart telling you that you need to make a situation better. Other times, discomfort comes from releasing blockages. By turning our attention inwards, we are able to decode our heart’s guidance. When our heart feels open, this is a ‘yes’!
7) The Feminine is the Body
As opposed to the Masculine: the mind, reasoning; the Feminine is the embodied experience. Someone in touch with their Feminine power of embodiment is able to take care of their health because they value the body and listen it. For example, I started to practice intuitive eating. Meat doesn’t feel good for me to eat (energetically and in my body) but it might be different for someone else’s body. Body awareness leads you to know what and when to eat. It also guides to to have a better posture for example (very important to be able to channel energy). At last, by taking care of our physical body, we raise our vibration which makes us feel better, happier, healthier and it attracts more positive experiences into our field.
8) The Feminine is the internal world
In a way, this concept is similar to valuing the body and the home (Feminine qualities). But it is important to understand that the internal world holds an enormous power as, when someone understands how to tune inwards and influence their internal world (e.g. breath, thought, energy, etc.), they are able to affect their experience of life, their body and their external environment. Another way to understand this is by understanding that the Masculine way to initiation is by going out in the world and conquering external forces. The Feminine initiation, on the other hand, is achieved by conquering (by loving) our inner demons (emotions, pain, trauma, etc.). A common way to experience the Feminine initiation is by going through depression.
9) The Feminine is receptive and open
Much of the current debates, especially political debates, are the expression of two Masculine energies coming together: confrontation, violence, competition and aggression. Without the Feminine -- the receptivity, the openness, flexibility -- no party will ever change their mind. In order for change, growth and evolution to take place, we need a healthy amount of both Masculine (assertive, committed, decisive) and Feminine energies.
10) The Feminine is our creative power
Part of our our imagination, our sexual energy and our intuition. Creation is a fundamental power of human beings. In today’s society, many people are deprived from this potential as they spend their entire day and energy working for a money-focused entity or bureaucratic organization and are not allowed (or to a minimal extent) to express themselves creatively. The syndrome of the struggling artist is an expression of our society’s lack of value for art and creativity. In addition, by indulging in conventional sex or ejaculation, one release their precious sexual energy (same as creative energy) instead of channelling it for creativity.
Please note that this list isn’t exhaustive. There is much more to say about the power of the Feminine and I am currently working on a book about it. This list isn’t about diminishing the power and importance of the Masculine either.
Both Feminine and Masculine energies are currently in their shadow: the Masculine is in excess and the Feminine is in its lack form -- it has gone underground (e.g. occult groups, black magic, our inability to tap into our subconscious, etc.). The solution is for everyone to cultivate their Feminine energy (unless you have too much of it which is rare). By asking ourselves questions such as: Where in my life could I cultivate more compassion? How can I find beauty in the things that would otherwise repel me? How can I observe my emotions and sensations in my body without identifying with them? How to I tap into subtle energies to heal myself and raise my frequency? How can I channel my sexual energy for healing? Of course, at the end of the day, the process isn’t intellectual but experiential. And to experience the Feminine and cultivate this awareness, its energy and powers, nothing is better than mediation. Indeed, meditation is the most Feminine ‘activity’ that one can do: being vs. doing, observing vs. trying to control. Meditation also resensitize us to subtle energies and turn our attention inwards (e.g. body-scan meditation).
To be clear, I am not spitting on the generations of Feminists who fought for women’s rights. I am not denying the right that all individuals have to identify with one gender or another or both, or none. I think that all of the political and cultural movements (feminism first wave, second and third, transgender rights movement, homosexual movement, etc.) served a purpose in our history and for our evolution. However, during my studies of these movements (I am a sociology, political science major and philosophy minor) and my forever on-going research, I have observed the way in which some of the rhetoric, tactics and dynamics of these movements use Masculine energies, traits, values, beliefs and, therefore, perpetuate dominance, division and oppression. It is about time to switch gears and unplug from this paradigm of Masculine dominance. It is time to embrace our full power of creation and birth a new paradigm (political, cultural, philosophical, relational, spiritual and vibrational) that honors the Feminine along with the Masculine. It is time to focus on creating alternatives that allow the Feminine to be equally valued and expressed.
Indeed, we have entered a point in our evolution where we are awakening to and embracing an even greater movement and spiritual cause, beyond the genders: awakening to and anchoring the Feminine in our psyche, culture and collective vibration in order to reestablish balance and harmony within ourselves and with the Planet (the ultimate Mother, Goddess and Feminine energy). Many have received this call and many are actively working to anchor the Divine Feminine. The fullness and full potential of both Masculine and Feminine energies will only be experienced once we have achieve this balance. Then, a powerful alchemy can take place, one that will transmute duality: both energies becoming one and creating this new paradigm, a new creation, a baby and a bright future for future generations, one of Unity, one of Creativity and Harmony.
This article was written by Clarity Bartleet for the internationally known online alternative News channel, Collective Evolution. Read this article on Collective Evolution's website here.
What is Easter really about? We all know the story of Jesus resurrecting and exiting a cave after three days of death, but what does this mean? And where did it story originate from?
Like many Christian tales and celebrations, Easter and its symbolism and myth were borrowed from a formerly uncovered universal Wisdom. A Wisdom that was transmitted from the Earth -- from The Goddess Herself -- to tribal cultures from all around the world who worshipped Her. In fact, we find similar stories and symbols among many different, scattered and once remote cultures all around the globe.
It is difficult to trace the exact roots of the original myth of Easter, for much Wisdom (e.g. teachings through stories and songs) has been lost due to the oppression that tribal cultures suffered and due their oral mode of transmission of knowledge. However, one of the most obvious connection that we nowadays can still trace to Easter comes to us from Ostara, the Germanic Pagan Goddess of Ancient Europe. To be clear, Ostara is connected to other fertility Goddesses found throughout the world and worshipped at different time in history (e.i. Astarte, Ashtaroth, Eastre, Ishtar, etc.). Ostara in particular represents Spring and the energy of fertility, love, sexuality and growth. Pagans worshipped Her to help Her bring fertility and growth onto the land.
In relation to Easter and the story of Jesus, Ostara similarly emerges from the Earth and re-awakens after a time of deep sleep (or death) during Winter. Both stories then carry the Wisdom of the cycle of life, death and rebirth -- an important lesson about dynamics of Nature and life itself that every human being needs to learn. Why? Well, because, for example, our modern Western culture has us valuing constant growth and life over decline and death (that is essential to bring abouts life). As a result, we perhaps irrationally fear death and do not understand the importance of going inwards, retreating, taking time for ourselves and taking a break from the business of our lives in order to find balance and flourish again when the time is right. The main and important difference, however, between the Christian’s story of Easter and the myth of Ostara is that Jesus’ resurrection is masculine focused (androcentric) and anthropocentric. It ignores the role of Nature and our deep connection to Her, and it ignores the feminine aspect as the carrier of the potential for the cycle of life, death and rebirth.
The story of Jesus’s resurrection is then a distorted version of some very important lesson and a fundamental Wisdom about about the dynamics of Nature and our of our own Nature that might leave us unsatisfied and confused. Hence, the importance of questioning any religious stories that aim at subliminally explaining the dynamics of the world and our role and potential within it. In fact, we should always question or at least contemplate any story that we are exposed to, especially contemporary ones delivered through the impactful images of modern movies and technologies. And instead of passively exposing ourselves to these stories, we should perhaps more actively research more ancient stories and tales that incorporate the feminine wisdom, the universal Wisdom from the Earth. The story of Ostara is one of these stories. It is the story of a not so perfect and not so virgin Goddess worth worshipping nevertheless that teaches us about our human Nature and potential. Here it is:
Ostara is the Goddess responsible for bringing Spring each year. But one year, as she arrived late, the first thing that she saw was a pitiful little bird who lay dying in the snow, his wing frozen by the cold. Ostara felt so guilty! She cradled the shivering creature into her arms and eventually saved his life. Feeling sorry that the poor wingless bird could no longer fly, she turned him into a snow hare called Lepus and gave him the ability to run rapidly so he could evade all hunters. Also. to honor his earlier life as a bird, she gave him the ability to lay eggs in all the colors of the rainbow. Ostara eventually took Lepus as a pet and they became lovers. That’s right! The Goddess and the bunny. Together they galloped abouts the prairies and made love in the fields as Pagans used to -- to spread fertility on the land. But one day, Ostara lost her temper with her passionate lover’s numerous affairs. Filled with anger, she grabbed him by the tail and swung him around and around over her head and threw him into the sky where he would remain for eternity as the constellation Lepus (The Hare) forever positioned under the feet of Orion, The Hunter constellation. Much later, remembering all the good times they had enjoyed together, Ostara softened and allowed Lepus to return to Earth once every year. But only during her own Festival and only to give away his colorful eggs to the children there. And this is how the “Easter Bunny” came about...
In this story, we notice that Ostara is also tightly connected to the Maiden archetype who represents very similar energies to the Goddess: full potential, opportunity for growth and rebirth after the Winter (which is connected to the Crone archetype). The Maiden, one of the most fundamental archetype of the feminine psyche and development, reminds us to dream big. She is the innocent, yet powerful and sexual being who has not yet been conditioned to believe that her dreams will not come true. So she dreams, she imagines, she visions and creates with her beauty and purity. And by doing so, she manifests miracles on Earth!
So let Spring time be a time for us to reclaim Easter and our inherent power and beauty as human beings. Ostara comes to us in this season to connect to the Earth, to The Goddess, to the feminine essence of Nature and Her potential for growth for (re-)birth through her fertility and sexuality. Let this season be a time to celebrate our own growth, (re-)birth, fertility and sexuality! Ostara also comes to us to remind us to plant seeds (literally and also) in our psyche and in the cosmos: to dream the projects that we wish to see manifest as the year unfolds, as the flowers bloom and to benefit from the coming boost of energy (the spring!) that we are getting from Nature. All around us, growth is happening. And because we are inherently connected to Nature, it is important to follow Her patterns; to learn from Her and perhaps reconnect to more ancient ways of grasping Wisdom from the Earth: by observing the seasons, the flowers and understand the extent of our potential as human beings to manifest and to blossom.
*this article uses the words Nature, Earth and The Goddess interchangeably
The last day of Toronto’s Yoga Conference 2017, I was called to attend Seane Corn's workshop on ‘Yoga for Every Body’ during which I felt that Seane had a powerful energy and message to transmit. So I decided to go deeper in connecting with her and I attended her following workshop on ‘Yoga for Awakening’. Seane talked about the responsibility of being on the Path and answering the Call to share knowledge about how to heal ourselves through Yoga, and not only the physical aspect of yoga / asanas but the full experience of becoming the observer of your own life and transcending the suffering of duality that Yoga is truly about.
Most of us in the room were in fact, already resonated or vibrated to a frequency that drew us to in this workshop and allowed us to receive this download of information/frequency/vibration/energy and this transmission in order to awaken ourselves further and others in our community. Seane stressed the importance of finding the confidence, strength, courage and motivation needed in order to carry out our specific purpose and do this work. Before I went to Seane Corn's workshop, I felt lost and decided to leave the city to go on another trip. Since the workshop, I am more motivated than ever to offer my gifts, passion, wisdom and truth especially regarding the Power of the Feminine and its leading role in awakening in the collective. I am called to facilitate the empowerment of the Feminine for it to be leading men and women through the Shift that we are experiencing on a spirit/mind/body level.
Seane Corn's workshop was for me another initiation for, as a true teacher, Seane teaches through stories by making us experience feelings and emotions (some that we might have previously repressed). During her last workshop, in fact, the majority of the people who were there (mostly women) started to cry as Seane approached a old gentleman in a wheelchair. She apparently knew him from last year’s conference. Seane came to him and kneeled down to share an intimate moments of love and laughter with the man who was previously disrupting the workshop by speaking loudy indiscernible sentences. After their moment, the man quieted and watched the rest of the workshop in silence. I was amazed to see Seane’s ability to stay grounded, in her center, and embrace what had seemed to be a shadow (disruptive force) and transform its energy/frequency with the power of Unconditional Love.
For me, this is a perfect example of doing ‘Shadow Work’ -- what should be one of the main focus of our current ‘Spiritual’ work and movement. We need to find Peace in our relationships and in our life in general, within ourselves, and embrace all our different reflections (deep psychological work!). Whether these reflections come to us through our friends, enemies, strangers, TV, images, in our workplace or in our family. Our reality is a constant unfolding of lessons to broaden our understanding of the Universe and of Ourselves. Seane also stressed the need for us to FEEL the emotions that these reflections are bringing up and discharge/neutralize them through Yoga, meditation, presence, awareness (or by writing ‘f#ck you letters’ to the person that caused us to be triggered -- a great therapy according to Seane).
That day, I successfully released these emotions (previously blockages) in my body, by crying my eyes out. It made room for New Energies to come. I cried during most of the introduction and during the Sun Salutations that Seane made us dedicate to ourselves for forgiveness, to anyone in our life who taught us with Love, to anyone in our lives who needed healing and to anyone in our lives whom we need to forgive. Needless to say; I felt shifted after the workshops. I fact, I felt that I was in a ‘flow state’ for a while -- a higher state that we experience when we resonate at a certain frequency -- during which I was able to discern better, see the Truth more clearly and channel it. For example, I had a moment of Awe when, standing in Extended Side Angle Stretch, I saw lines upon lines of Warrioress and High Priestesses (mostly Yoga Teachers), ready to take on this mission of Awakening themselves to help the whole Collective raise its own vibration by practicing Yoga and doing deep Spiritual Work.
It also confirmed a lesson that I keep getting again and again: The Feminine -- that is overtly represented by women but that is within us all -- needs to lead, our intuitions and inner knowing needs to lead our actions and our Will (our Masculine). And this inner Wisdom and Truth needs to be protected by the Masculine within us all -- and that is overtly represented by men but that exist within us all. In fact, the Yoga conference was a means for the Feminine (mostly women) to gather and do deep shamanic work together. I envision the many festivals and retreats for us to continue doing this work and re-enchant the world: bring back the wisdom of the spiritual world, working with subtle energies, using plant medicines, being connected to Nature, working with Elements, Chanting, Dancing, Sharing Stories, etc. Here lays my passion and purpose.
What really hit me in Seane Corn’s spiritual message is that it was in fact completely grounded in the fourth dimension, which means that it is practical, it help us understand our everyday life and help us make better decisions as Human Beings functioning in this reality. The essence of the message is also grounded in a way that it does not bypass acting, making decisions, and choices for our life and relationships which is often the case with transcendental spiritual teaching -- a more Masculine approach to spirituality. Her massage is a message of Peace, to reclaim the power of Grace, Honor, Respect and especially the high frequency of Unconditional Love in our life by working with our actions and the wisdom of our body as well as with our intentions, with our prayers and with subtle energies.
Later on that day, my partner Darren bought be a beautiful Moldavite Crystal pendant that is to carry the frequency of this download and to remind me, every single day, to be of service to my community; to share the messages/information/energies that are coming through me and help others (especially my Sisters) in doing this work. Like High Priestesses of our modern time, we shall carry on this mission, we shall come together and find Unity within; Unity with our Sisters; Unity between the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine; between the Light and the Shadow that dances Within and Without. For this is True Yoga.
I am Honored to be participating in bringing forth this Frequency and I embrace the Responsibility and the Power that such a Purpose brings. Fellow Brothers and Sisters, the time is now! Let this message inspire all of us to do our work, to create a viable Alternative to the current Paradigm and access our True Powers as Divine Beings.
Here is a place for me to share some of my downloads, realisations, insights, lessons and experiences - all filled with deep spiritual teachings. I hope some of this will resonate with you.
Near College and Dufferin
Text: 647-8340 869 or
for an appointment
Laya Spa & Yoga
986 Queen St West
Tantric Yoga Class
Every Sunday 8pm